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For Most Of My Life I Had Pretty Bad Anxiety: Help Yourself With My Part Of The Story

social anxiety

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.” – Dr Seuss (American Author) 

Greetings everyone! Thank you for choosing to read my article. Happy reading! 

Today’s write-up is a very personal one to me. At this moment, I am trying to put together my thoughts, emotions and feelings and I already sense a relief in my soul. Today I feel comfortable and grateful for expressing my social anxiety through words.  

Disclaimer: Most of you will be able to relate to me. Those who can’t connect to me, make use of this to commiserate with unprejudiced opinions. And those who are here out of curiosity, I hope you establish a rapport in the future if you ever come across someone with anxiety, just like me. 

Oh! Also, you hit the bonus credit to read my poem. Before you could ride on my rollercoaster to retrospect my social anxiety world, I request you to wear a thinking cap. So are you ready to experience a whole new adventure? Here we go!

(On a strange night, I wrote this below poem and I decided to include it here.)

There hit my anxiety

Now my mind is frozen. 

The sweat in my palms 

And soles is responsible

For releasing tsunami of emotions. 

I asked the four blank walls, 

Can you hear me scream? 

Besides I am suffering internally. 

Again I don’t want to do anything! 

By begging the bed to hold on 

My eyes were glued 

To the empty ceiling. 

The tears roll down my cheeks

And the pillows realised, 

I’m crying. 

And my soul knows 

I’m secretly 

Wishing for somebody 

To check upon. 

Even if the phone rings, 

My tongue knew 

The white lie would be

I’m okay?

  • Ramya Velu

Before I could debrief myself, allow me to paint the picture of people’s illustration about me.

My classmates perceive me as a shy, quiet and nice girl.

My friends consider me to be innocent and distant kid in the group. And my lecturer conceives me as an unconfident student. But I’m a girl with social anxiety. Were you able to see somebody? Or did you see yourself? Either ways, welcome to my small world.

Yes. I’m shy and quiet. But my internal mind keeps chattering relentlessly. While I am talking to my classmates in the college hallways, they are never aware that my mind is carefully choosing the words. And I keep worrying the entire time not to offend or upset anyone. Once I say goodbye to them. You will hear loud voices in my mental space screwing me for having one awkward conversation. This one incident will keep me bothered for the rest of the day

Distant, yes, I agree. But I do not blame it completely on my mind for functioning that way. You never know, I always feel like I forgot something to do very importantly, ALL THE TIME. Even though I check 50 times before I leave my house. You will find me disconnected from reality when my friends are living in the moment. Because my brain is forever troubling me by constantly asking me a question – “Did I turn off everything before I left?”

And sometimes, I might want to tell you something but then my mind goes blank of words or sentences the second I fill in some courage.

Also, I have convinced my brain about 103889998th time to reach out to someone. But you will never believe if I told you, once I got ready and went up to my friend’s house. At the time she welcomed me with a hug, I froze. My thoughts filled my mind to not to bother her. 

I pity that acquaintance who invited me to his birthday party. And I feel sorry for my friend who I promised to tag along with. But please understand that I cancelled the plans is because my mind was susceptive to believe that people would be annoyed with me.

The lecturers who bug me to switch on my video and turn on my mic to speak probably wouldn’t know that I intensely fear being judged by others. It might seem unfamiliar to you, but the reaction of my classmates gets automatically saved in my memory. And without any consent, my mind would play the flashback of these embarrassing moments that would disturb my sleep cycle.

Now you can spot at least one in your group, family or workspace who always intensely fear, doom, foreboding and glom like me?  During group activities or college discussions you might have observed these emotions prevailing at peeks of level. You might wonder why does that individual have to worry so much about random facets of life?

No doubt. And it does start getting annoying when you have no clue. Or when you can’t relate to that individual’s feelings or emotions?

Have you ever experienced a rush of emotions when you had to address a crowd? How do you feel when you had to attend a job interview? You felt anxious, didn’t you? It is normal to feel it. But anxiety and anxiety disorders are two different things.

Anxiety is an excepted reaction to a foreign situation. But you don’t attend job interviews every day. Right! Psychologists believe that it has a clear ending by pushing you to be better. Once you come out of the interview, you will no longer feel those emotions.

Anxiety disorder is a psychological response that is responsible for activating the fear, worry and overthinking as a response to events that is familiar to you including the everyday activities. It is never-ending and can go on for months. Also, it leads to unhealthy reactions either by avoiding or controlling your racing thoughts.

The below techniques are my regular and everyday exercises:

Also, it’s a beautiful day to totally throat punch your anxiety. I am glad if it can comfort you at least a little, thank you to those who utilized it to understand.

  1. Once my anxiety hits me in my classroom, I take some deep conscious breathes, in through the nose and out through the mouth. I calm my mind by not allowing any other thoughts to interrupt and disturb. 
  2. During conversations, my mind involuntarily starts revolving around random thoughts and I would be blank. To bring back my awareness to the ground beneath me. I would simply feel the air or I would place my hands on the cold table to activate my senses.
  3. Remind yourself every day – when you feel low or disgusted your feelings don’t predict the future. Feeling like something bad will happen has zero connection to something bad happening and not happening. Embrace this and it will set you on the path to freedom. I got this printed when I found it on my Twitter feed.

Right now, I have low levels of social anxiety. Yet I get triggered but practicing mindfulness has helped me a lot. 

If you know somebody who is suffering from any kind of anxiety issues, please invite that individual and talk to them. Let them know, it’s completely alright if they feel that way. And coax them to seek a professional’s help. If you are extending a helping hand, you surely do have an empathetic heart. Also, you are saving an individual from drowning in zillions of unnecessary thoughts. 

PS: Please comment below, you’re experiences, feelings, thoughts or anything you want to talk about. This is a judgemental free zone. A few years ago, I sure did feel like you. But I did compose an article only for you. You are not alone. So go ahead. I am standing beside you! Let’s get through it.

Author’s Note:

Lately, I have been observing a lot of you commenting on my timeline. Thank you for those sweet words. And I appreciate you for taking the time to read and leave a comment. If you want me to write on any particular topic, please feel free to comment below. Have a great day ahead!

2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. Shivani Monnappa

    July 2, 2021 at 5:43 am

    That’s brave of you to talk about it. I am proud of who you have become today.

    • Ramya Velu

      July 2, 2021 at 1:15 pm

      Thank you Shibs! 🙂

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